08.17.19

MY HEALING RESOURCES PART 2

you know how when you decide you finally want to work out and get in shape, you dedicate like 3 days of hard work and think you should have abs already? (ha, well i did) i finally realized that this is what i was doing with my healing journey for a long time. knowing what I needed to do and actually DOING it are two very different things. we are SO stuck in our ways, comfortable (even with our pain), that we continue our patterns and behaviors year after year, over and over…frustrated when we receive the same outcome. until we finally decide we are exhausted. and only WE can decide when that time is. someone can recommend all the books, podcasts, workouts, diets…and you still might not be ready. you might read this, and it might not resonate, and that’s ok! i just hope it helps even one person feel less alone.

the problem is, we have to get comfortable with the UNCOMFORTABLE. accepting parts of ourselves we have tried so desperately to stuff down and hide. we have to actually feel the pain that we’ve experienced in our lives, that we don’t even realize are completely running the show. we have to start to listen to our bodies when we get overwhelmed with emotion and we feel tense and scared and anxious and sad…instead of just numbing those with food, alcohol, shopping, working, relationships…really feeling it fully. that’s the only way they will go away for good.

it’s uncomfortable (VERY), and people have a hard time with that. i know i did! but there was a little voice inside of me that started to become stronger. i started to finally see results, and was able to experience real JOY. and after a lot of hurt, anxiety, trauma, resentment, shame, and guilt…JOY is something you do not want to stop searching for. get addicted to joy! once you commit yourself to actually healing those dark corners and really living your life with more peace (and i really think i am only 50% there!) it all feels so much easier. lighter. more manageable. because life is already hard, but it doesn’t have to be that hard.

i wrote this first post a few months ago when i started to truly break through and find my true self. (which you will see feels a lot like a younger, innocent you. for me that was building forts with so much excitement, climbing trees without a worry in the world, picking cherries off the tree at my grandparent’s farm, riding my bike to school and feeling the warm wind rushing over my body.)

now i feel excited to share PART 2 (and it’s LONG but stick with me, ok?). i want these posts to be a place you can come back to if you are on that edge with yourself and need support, need resources, need to feel understood. a place that will inspire people, encourage healing, and ultimately bring people back to their own pure joy (because i really believe we all have that inside of us! it just feels harder to access the more pain you have endured).

last note before i start. sometimes it can feel over the top (i have struggled with it feeling self indulgent) to read all these books, spend time and money going to therapy and meditation and working out. it can feel endless and exhausting when framed the wrong way. i want to remind you that even the smallest changes (cooking a meal and focusing on mindfulness, or meditating 5 mins in the morning, or quickly writing down something you are grateful for that day) will start to SHIFT your mind. out of your old patterns and into a new place. don’t allow that part of yourself that wants to keep you in pain to discourage you.

believe me, i was a person that watched tons of reality tv, never read books, didn’t really workout, ate badly, drank too many nights a week, had co-dependent relationships, had little boundaries, avoidance issues, i was a workaholic….i tried all the ways to hide from my pain. it was a slow shift, and will probably change for the rest of my life, but i promise if you start small you will see results!! haha, man, i sound like a motivational speaker, but i guess i just have to be ok with that.

and remember, this is just MY journey. we all have such different lives. we all feel and experience pain differently. i never want to come off as a know it all, or arrogant, or like i have it all figured out. because i most certainly don’t. but i also know the changes i have felt are too big not to share and start concersations around! nothing but love for you all!!!

LIBRARY CARD

ok let’s start with a helpful tip that changed the game for me. having a library card allows you to use apps like Libby, Hoopla and Kanopy to rent FREE books, audio books, and movies. you can literally take yourself back to school, for free! (my husband calls my kindle my pacifier haha) i really encourage this because something that i want to address is that sometimes it can feel really overwhelming and EXPENSIVE to do all of this. but it really doesn’t have to be. and resources like this really take away our own excuses. they are free and available to everyone. if you don’t have time to read a book? listen to an audio book while you drive to work. you will want to start prioritizing your time to feel better. because when we feel better, everyone around us benefits too.

READ THE ENTIRE POST WHEN YOU CLICK THROUGH!…

PTSD

a few months ago i finally had the guts to talk about my own PTSD experience (i have a highlight called PTSD on my profile if you want to check it out) in short, i was sexually abused as a 3 year old. i told my mom and she reported it. unfortunately i had to go to a hospital for a week by myself. i wasn’t allowed to have my parents there (i guess to encourage my opinion? i still don’t really understand how that was allowed) so although i don’t remember being there, my body does. around 12 years old i started getting flashbacks of the abuse. little flashes that didn’t make sense. they felt like sexual dreams that i couldn’t understand. after a while, i was able to ask my mom one day “did something bad happen to me when i was younger?” i remember her shocked face i don’t think my mom wanted any of it to be true, and obviously it’s too difficult to explain to a 3 year old what was going on. so it was just not discussed, until then. and even then, she didn’t have all the facts, she had a very disturbing memory of what i told her, i had my own blurry memories of sexual boundaries being crossed. and i had a ton of fear STUCK in my body.

i spent a LOT of years trying to push that away, telling myself things like “well, you don’t really know if it happened so just forget it.” or “people have had waaaay worse, they remember their experience fully!” or “it’s in the past, move on.” as nice as that would be, it doesn’t really work like that. as i got older i developed a HUGE fear of any doctor. i didn’t want to be around anyone in scrubs, if there wasn’t a window in the office i felt like my skin was crawling, even the cotton balls would send my heart rate over the edge.  a simple checkup became something that i was so deathly afraid of. and mostly, i could avoid the doctor! but i couldn’t avoid how my wrists felt sensitive and i felt the need to hide them, or how someone brushing their teeth aggressively reminded me of that time. the mind is WILD. it stores it all.

finally i started to inform myself. instead of continuing to invalidate myself and try to white knuckle through life, i wanted to learn why i was feeling this way, my whole life. these 4 books were INCREDIBLY HELPFUL. they gave me science, research, FACTS. they taught me about how our brain develops as a young child and finally i felt goosebumps all over while reading it. each page was resonating with me, and it was amazing.

BOOKS: (remember they are free to rent on those apps with a library card, but also cool to get paperbacks to make notes)

the complex PTSD workbook
radical acceptance (i like the audio version!)
the body keeps score
waking the tiger
(the last two are more dense and scientific but i like that stuff!)

EMDR therapy

i started EMDR therapy around the same time. somatic experiencing and EMDR is basically about FEELING those body sensations that come up when you are triggered and rewiring your behavior in the present. rewiring your brain and your reactions to fit the present moment. reminding yourself that you are safe NOW and that these are old sensations. these are old survival/coping mechanisms that your body is using, that may not be necessary anymore. they might even be creating more problems. but it’s all about really learning to thank your body. be grateful for these “tips.” learn from them where you need to focus on healing. now when i feel that terrified/stuck/can’t breathe/hot/rushing feeling, i just say “thank you”. i say “thank you for trying to protect me, and sending me a signal. i don’t need it right now, but i appreciate the help.” and knowing that if you DO need it, it will be right there for you. this is pure science, and once i read these books and started doing this, WOWOWOWOW, was i blown away!

RESULTS IN REAL LIFE WITH EMDR

DOCTOR PHOBIAS: as someone who couldn’t step foot in the doctor/dentist/gyno office without having a complete emotional meltdown. i didn’t even get my blood drawn until two years ago. i can proudly say that i’ve had an IV, i’ve gone to the dentist twice, i’ve scheduled regualr checkups for moles, gyno etc. i am a freaking champion now! do i still worry? yes, and that’s ok. but i was level 10000 and now it’s 10% and manageable. i take myself out for ice cream after 🙂 it’s so liberating to not feel that anxiety anymore.

TRAVEL ANXIETY: i also had divorced parents (from birth) who lived across the country and i frequently flew by myself, on standby, from a very young age. i have a lot of memories of being in the airport alone feeling scared or like i wouldn’t hear my name being called. or like i was going to get lost or in trouble. this caused me to become hyper vigilant as an adult. i had to show up very early to the airport. hold the boarding pass tightly. check gate 50 times. not calm until i landed at my destination. constantly scanning for danger of strangers. i was zero chill (and that’s not fun to travel with) i also didn’t want to make others uncomfortable so i would stuff it all in and try as hard as i could to put on a happy face. it was a nightmare! and i traveled all the time! i have started to understand that while traveling is stressful for most people, it didn’t have to be like THAT. i needed to unload those old feelings.

HEALING GENERATIONAL TRAUMA: this one is a bit tricky because i want to protect the feelings of people in my family. but it’s also an important topic. once i started to uncover this stuff and become more aware of where my pain was stemming from, i realized where all of my anger was coming from. the anger then turned into sadness and mourning. and then, shifted slowly to compassion and forgiveness. this is BIG and i am just at the beginning of it all in the past year. i remember last year justin said to me as we hiked machu picchu, “i feel like you need to work on forgiving your parents.” i was so PISSED that he would say that. he didn’t know how i felt. where is the justice in forgiving someone that isn’t sorry?! i couldn’t grasp it. and somedays i still can’t, but i am getting there.

i started to see patterns in my family. pain and strict beliefs that were recycled through generations. i started to look at my parents as humans. i started to be able to enjoy their positive qualities and not focus as much on my pain. i shifted my perspective. just because you’re a parent, doesn’t mean you KNOW IT ALL. my parents and grandparents (and i am sure beyond that) had wounds that weren’t properly dealt with or healed, i believe. in their needs not being met, i think there were some of mine that were neglected entirely.

there is a group of people that have this mentality of “oh get over it, you had food and a home and you’re fine.” i don’t agree at all. feeling unseen as a sensitive child can have lasting effects on your self worth and self esteem. parents that project their own pain onto their children and don’t have boundaries can do a lot of damage. parents that don’t really LISTEN to what their kids are feeling and just assume they know best, are hurting their children. we look up to our parents for guidance and safety, and sometimes they are just not the ones that know HOW to provide that.

but i’m on the other end of that, and starting to see…people are doing their best, with the level of awareness they have. and sometimes they fail. although certain things weren’t fair or deserved…i can’t let them run my life anymore. i can find friends, partners, community and myself to make me feel validated and heard. i can heal those wounds on my own and do my BEST to not pass on the pain i felt as a child with severe anxiety/anger/fear. breaking generational trauma, i believe in it, and i think we are moving in that direction as a collective and that gives me a lot of hope for the future.

THE PRESENT MOMENT (wait, you were here the whole time?!)

we can hear the words “live in the present” a million times, and still not do it. i know i was completely stuck in the pain of the past (depression) and the worry of the future (anxiety). the present moment would peek through here and there, briefly. i could feel it when i was laughing hysterically with a close friend. when i was traveling and exploring and seeing new things all around me. when i saw a pretty flower. when i was laying on the couch with justin watching a movie, safe and at peace. when my surroundings were so good, that i couldn’t deny the feeling of the present moment. that’s joy, that’s life! that’s consciousness.

eckhart tolle speaks directly to my soul. the power of now i talked about in my first post is amazing and a new earth is my new favorite. life changing actually!!! teach yourself to get out of your own way. ram dass is also so cool and so right on track!

what i didn’t realize was that we have sooooooo much more access to that amazing joy feeling than we think. we get caught up in naming ourselves “i’m just an anxious person.” or “this is just who i am.” it really is my belief now that yes, we may have predispositions, chemical imbalances or mental illness that run in our family. these can make this process of becoming present (conscious) more difficult for us or require more “maintenance” such as a healthy diet, less caffeine or alcohol, regular exercise, or blood sugar regulation. (all things that work well for me and are proven to help stabilize. this is a good listen on that) but the core of it, i think, is pain. these trapped emotions can cause illness, chronic pain, “disorders” and a lot of hurt feelings.

MEDICATION

and i promise, i am not against medication either. i recently went on prozac for a year and a half when i first started all of this and it was a huge factor of change. it basically helped me with my tolerance for pain. as a very sensitive person, it was really really hard for me to face the facts, it was hard to be honest with myself, it felt like pure suffering. the medicine helped me get there. but it also took away some of my feelings (good and bad). it wasn’t until a month or so ago i decided i felt stronger and i wanted to put my tools fully to the test. coming off of it hasn’t been easy (especially because i unearthed a lot of this ON the medication) but it’s worth it i think, and i can always go back on if i want. while it’s difficult at times, it’s also the happiest i’ve ever been. and i’m dedicated to finding what works for me to maintain this feeling.

no shame in medication! none. do what works for you. but just be aware of why you are doing something and how long you want to do that for.

RELIGION & SPIRITUALITY

this part makes me nervous, which means i still have some work to do. since january of this year i have been focused on my intuition and my newfound spiritual path. i feel like i trust myself more now to guide my way through life with better choices. i believe in all those little signs that pop up. one book leads me to another, one new friend introduces us to a new practice…it’s all there for a reason, if we are listening and have the courage to try new things. i don’t want to get TOO into all of this because it’s all very new to me and i don’t want to sound like any sort of authority, but i will give it my best shot.

basically i grew up in a very strict christian home. i went to the bible camps where people were speaking in tongues. i remember feeling scared that i was going to hell if i didn’t say the prayer right. that god could hear my doubt and i was doomed. i just didn’t resonate with the “it has to be this way, or else” mentality of it. this may be a controversial topic, but it’s my story. i didn’t want to believe that just because my uncle was gay, he was going to hell. i didn’t want to believe that a friend of mine at school with a different religion was going to hell. that didn’t sit well with me at all. of course there were some positives to being raised with this background, certain morals and an overall lesson of spreading love and forgiveness. but again, there was a hole for me.

so after high school i just shut it all off. i chose not to think about religion, and i definitely didn’t think about spirituality because honestly i was taught that wasn’t good/right. i felt shame, confusion, guilt, and pure terror that hell was in my future, and i didn’t want to think about that at all. so i didn’t talk about it, and i didn’t explore what DID feel right for me, until recently.

honestly, i am not against any religion. the only thing i am against is anything that involves hate and causing people fear. what works for you, is completely your choice! everyone deserves that. i’ve actually come back around to the idea of God, and that Jesus was an amazing man with a message and that the bible has a lot of truths. i just think there are some miscommunications throughout the years that cannot be proven.

now, i’m forming what i do believe in. what resonates with me. the power of love and compassion. that we have the ability to heal ourselves through mindfulness and connection and self acceptance. that nature feels good for my soul. that positive mindsets lead to positive results. that raising consciousness is the key to happiness. that we all have an energy that we are putting out in the world and receiving back that same energy in return. simple truths that feel right for me. it has led me to seek purpose!

MIND BODY CONNECTION

on that Kanopy app i was telling you about there are soooo many cool documentaries, art movies and information for every genre. i love to geek out on the science/psychology/health stuff because the mind really intrigues me.

i’ve also recently been feeling SO much better by starting a daily meditation practice (just 10 mins) and moving my body with a little yoga. small steps.

this AWAKE documentary is so cool and i was so excited to watch it! same with the E-MOTION documentary about the connection to our mind and body. i really like all of the smart scientists and doctors that how data to why this stuff is true. it’s not just a made up thing, that helped me feel more confident in exploring it (with my religious background).

i would love to hear your documentaries and resources too! (like the Heal documentary on netflix)

PODCASTS

instead of endless reality tv (and believe me i still watch teen mom and vanderpump rules)…it’s ok if you are choosing to “check out” and watch something that takes you out of your own reality. i just didn’t like that i was doing it constantly so i didn’t have to feel my feelings. i was watching the real housewives even though it started to really bore me, just because i was used to watching it. that’s just not smart. i started to value my time a little more and find a better balance.

podcasts have been amazing for this. i can put one on while i made dinner, drive to work, in traffic etc. learning is enjoyable for me so i decided to pursue more of it.

conversation with alanis morissette (one of my very first CDs!) is an incredible podcast! her interviews with peter levine, sue johnson, and dan seigel are some of my favorites, but i honestly like all of them. she has brought my awareness and knowledge up 10 levels!

oprah’s super soul sunday also has some real good ones. creating harmony with deepak chopra, a new earth with eckhart tolle on the pain body, mindful eating with michael pollan, tara westover who wrote “educated”, anything with brene brown…there are so many gems!

CHANGE YOUR INTAKE

i was also spending a loooooot of time on social media. i could justify that it was “my job!” but if i was being honest with myself, i was just wasting time and addicted to it. i was taking in too much information that made me feel all sorts of things, and mindlessly scrolling anytime i had a free moment. the stillness made me so uncomfortable (and still working on that a lot) so i decided, if i am not going to completely stop using (since it is a big part of my job that i love), i am at LEAST going to change what i am looking at. mute the accounts that triggered feelings of inadequacy or inauthenticity, and start following accounts that made me feel GOOD. beautiful photos and accounts that inspire me creatively, those can stay. then i started adding a lot of positive mindset accounts that are daily reminders that keep me on track.

the holistic psychologist is constantly giving me that “YES!!!!” feeling. that feeling that i am doing this journey for a reason, and it matters, and i can help others heal too! she taught me a trick, to keep ONE promise to myself daily. doesn’t matter how small. something like, i am going to pay that bill i’ve been avoiding. and then having the discipline to do it. you will feel proud and start to trust yourself more. trust that you can rely on YOU. seems simple, but man does it work.

i try to post a lot of inspiring accounts in my stories now if you want to learn some new accounts you might be into too! i am actually figuring out a way that i can make my account and blog more into what feels real to me right now, but it’s a process and i want to be very intentional about it. stories is a little corner of the internet where i can express freely and be myself. i love it.

so now that i’ve explained where the heck my head has been at this year, and why i’ve been more quiet on this blog, here are the actual ways i’ve been implementing changes into my life. hopefully some of them work for you too!

NOURISHMENT

after listening to michael pollan’s episode about mindful eating, something just clicked. i used to stuff myself. i felt so excited when i was eating. so delicious! so fun! nothing hurts! so distracting! and then i started realizing i can love food and not overeat. i can treat myself without binging. i can be healthy without depriving myself. it’s all about mindset. WHY are we going to the fridge late at night. WHY do we keep eating even when we are full. i was creating more shame and body issues because i wasn’t aware of my emotional eating. i still get sidetracked and order too much on postmates and eat it all “because i don’t want to waste it.” but at least i can be honest with myself and cut myself some slack now. when you are aware, you won’t attach shame as much.

ACUPUNCTURE

not only has acupuncture helped with my constant aching knees, hips and ankles (which i think are due to stuck emotions, and not moving my body enough) but it has given me emotional relief. it’s subtle and requires a little more effort than one session. i was skeptical for a long time but couldn’t ignore that my pain was actually going away after. these are ancient practices that have been around forever for a reason! reach out if you would like a recommendation.

SUNSHINE + NATURE

because of my resistance to moving my body, i began isolating myself. staying indoors, avoiding people and staying on the couch. (the body keeps score book talks a lot about how our body gets stuck in either fight, flight or frozen mode. mine felt frozen)

recently i have been pushing past these mental limits. go to yoga, try a new hike, stretch in the mornings, walk with a friend for 30 mins. start SMALL and build confidence. you will never ever regret moving your body. it eases your mind and relaxes your nervous system. joanie has been a huge motivator for me for many years and i am so grateful for her!

but also be EASY on yourself. if i even walk in the door to a yoga class that day, that’s a win. if i want to sit in child’s pose half the class, that’s ok too. you went, you can try again, no need to shame yourself.

and sunshine! give yourself a solid dose of 10 minutes a day. it’s proven to make you happier. i know SO MUCH the feeling of wanting to stay inside, hide, hibernate, be under the covers. i promise you can do it. little steps each day, remember.

now i’ve been trying boxing, yoga, dance, hiking, walking, pilates…i am finding what works best for me and what i want to stick to! and it feels great so far.

MEDITATION

i created a little space outside where i can get sunshine, relax, and meditate. i use the Headspace app, which is free, for 10 minutes a day. i decided to buy the annual pass after doing 30 days in a row because they offer a lot more meditations, but the free one is a great resource. Calm is a great app too.

because of my past, i have an issue with emotional regulation. i get anxious easily and i would tend to lash out, isolate, cry…i didn’t know what to do with those feelings. now when i feel this way, i meditate, i go in the other room. i listen to my body. i feel and say to myself “where does it feel bad?” and “what does it feel like?” or “what does this feeling remind you of?” and then just sit with it. feel it. watch it move and change and eventually feel lighter. i show myself compassion like i would for a friend. i nurture that younger part of myself that feels so overloaded. this works!!!

NEW HOBBIES

busy hands, calm mind. it’s true, for sure. i took up cooking and it gave me a new sense of accomplishment to get good at something from scratch. now i love trying new things and pushing past that uncomfortable feeling of not being “good enough.” when you are learning something new you are going to make mistakes. as a perfectionist, this is freaking hard. but the more you try the easier it gets! justin has pushed me a lot in this way. now i want to try it all!

i tried ceramics and drawing recently and they are so therapeutic!

SOLO TRIPS

now that i actually LIKE myself more, spending time alone is fun. i used to dread it. i would fill my time with work, best friends, romantic relationships, phone time, tv…i would freak out if i had to sit with my own painful thoughts. now, i love my alone time. i am realizing that i’ve always been an introvert too.

it’s a place for me to read, recharge, think, rest. i try to book myself 1-2 nights a month somewhere that makes me happy, maybe a short drive away, so i can chill and reflect during this time of so much change. i always come back better. i know that before i have kids this solo time is really important to grow and evolve.

FINDING PURPOSE

through allllll of this, i am finally landing on my purpose. why am i on this planet? what do i believe in and care about? it hit me one day that my love of children, and my desire to help heal others with beauty and awareness is something that i really wanted to focus on. i wanted to take my love of art and show kids how to use it for relief.

i jumped right into signing up for CASA. it’s a program where i can advocate for children who were abused and neglected. i want to give a child a loving safe space, i want to give them healthy tools and a listening ear. i just finished my 6 week training and i will be assigned to my child or youth in a few weeks. the excitement i feel is BIG. i know this is going to teach me so much and add so much value to my life. i can’t wait to see how it all unfolds and where it leads me next.

LOVE

loving, supportive, kind people who understand you and help guide you. that is just where it’s AT. watch your love for yourself grow and your tolerance for toxic people lessen. thank you, next.

i learned a little thing called boundaries too, which sure helps.

GRATITUDE

first of all, if you made it this far, thank you so much for reading!!! this came directly from my heart, and i would love to chat about it in the comments. i am grateful for all the feedback!

gratitude, it’s a big one. i was stuck in the feeling of “injustice” for a long time. the victim role. i just couldn’t see all that i had, because i didn’t feel good with myself. it’s been so nice to take time out of my day each day and show gratitude for the things that i have. the loving people in my life, the freedom to do what i love, the roof over my head, my health…focusing on those things more have only brought more of them. it’s really amazing. try this little 5 min gratitude journal or just make a note in your phone.

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thank you so much for taking the time to read, this means so much to me. i can’t wait to hear from you!! lots of love and all the encouragement that we CAN DO THIS TOGETHER! xx bri

66 COMMENTS

Add your own

    Lynne says:

    I’m so happy that you are healing Bri! You are such a special person, thank you for sharing your journey. I can see your light and I think that the child you are assigned to help will see it too. You are doing great things!

    Jacqueline says:

    This is such a great and thorough post, Bri.I’ve been struggling with my anxiety and depression later, and honestly looking at your Instagram feeds, it really did look to me like you had a perfect, healthy lifestyle and everything totally together! haha. It’s so great when big bloggers share the behind the scenes and motivate people to heal with them. Thanks for inspiring! xx

    – Jacqueline | Jackieomy.com

    Brandy says:

    This is an amazing post. Thank you so much! I am going through a pretty uncomfortable healing process right now and it makes it less scary knowing other people are experiencing this as well.

    Jessica says:

    This is so beautiful Bri. You are not alone in your feelings and posts like this help others (me) so much! I am so happy for your journey.

    Maya says:

    I resonate so closely with your journey, although I know we’ve both gone through our own, personal tragedies. I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing this so publicly because I’ve struggled to have friends who understand it. I feel like you do. Best of luck, Bri. It’s truly all worth it.

    Cynthia says:

    Thank you SO much for sharing! It really means a lot to have this info put into words, and it was a great help to me tonight. Your bravery is inspiring!

    Courtney says:

    This post is so great Bri! I am right in the middle of an overhaul like this and it is so wonderful to read your suggestions. So excited to see what’s to come with you & CASA! Sending you love!

    Brit says:

    This was just so wonderful and honest. I’m glad you wrote it all out. 🙂 Thanks for sharing where you are at these days.

    Jesse Augusta Chamberlin says:

    And now it’s time to write a book. All of these lessons and growths you write about are so fresh that it’s so relatable. This post is going to help a lot of people. It’s helped me. Love you

    Victoria says:

    I seccond that. xx

    Shannon says:

    This is such a great resource!! I will absolutely be looking up every book and podcast. Your peace you’re finding is so inspiring. Thank you for sharing

    Cristina says:

    Purposeful and joyful and valuable. So thank you for creating such an important resource.

    Danielle says:

    Thank you for sharing your heart and these great resources. We seem to be on a similar journey with depression, anxiety and trauma. I’m so grateful for who you are and all the growth you’ve had over the past few years. It is so encouraging to me! I feel like you’re a sister fighting with me and cheering me on. 💗 I’m so happy for the progress you’ve made and excited to see what comes next for you and your sweet husband.

    Lynnette says:

    This is beautiful. YOU are beautiful. Thank you for being so generous by being vulnerable and open enough to share your journey, I know you are helping SO many. There were so many things you said here that I heard myself saying “that’s you”, particularly about being frozen or stuck, knowing exactly what you need to do, but being an ninja level expert at creating reasons to stay in the same unhappy place because it’s comfortable and there’s safety in that. Man, do I feel you. Thank you for all these resources, I’m going to be bookmarking and coming back to this over and over. Thank you, you beautiful soul!!

    Katie says:

    I don’t even know how I found your Instagram but I did and it inspires me. I love the emdr part because I struggle with anxiety. I sent you a message on Insta. I struggled with depression for a long time and found a few thing that helped me. Not sure if you’ve heard the James altucher podcast but a woman named Loretta graziano breuning helped me get off my medication through her words. Thank you for your help! Sending love!!

    Michelle says:

    Thank you for sharing all these resources! I’m currently in my “healing process” and some days are more difficult than others but reading other stories like yours really helps me when I’m feeling extra down. Wishing you the best! ♥

    http://www.mooeyandfriends.com

    Dawn @kitchentravels says:

    This is beautiful and resonates with me on so many levels. I was diagnosed with a chronic cancer almost two years ago, and am one of the rare few who can’t tolerate the treatment (the treatment worked on the cancer for a bit, but then it tried to kill me). But I’m very hopeful this next round will go well! And I’ve learned to find joy in every day, even if it’s something small. To be grateful for every day of this challenging, beautiful life. And to be kind to myself.

    Thanks for sharing your story and insights. Sending so much light your way! xo

    Marcia Cleare says:

    I love this post Bri thankyou.

    Paige says:

    First of all just want to say I’ve been following along for a very long time and this whole journey has been incredible! Through opening these doors for yourself you have opened up so many doors for me, through recommending podcasts, resources, etc the list goes on and on. My fiancé and I have discovered so many things that have improved our lives! It sounds so cheesy but it’s true. Thank you so much for sharing your story, especially about your religious upbringing. I grew up in a very strict catholic home and although I’m grateful for aspects of it I am slowly shedding light on the shame and guilt that I’ve felt because of it. It’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with especially with a wedding next year that I know if not in a church will kill my mom. But working on it! This post and your story is a game changer thank you so so so much! can’t wait to see where you go from here, xoxo

    Marcella says:

    I feel the same way – I grew up Catholic, have 5 nuns in my family, went to Catholic school k-12 and now that I’m 25 and live alone I haven’t been to church in a long time. Catholic guilt is REAL and I definitely felt so much of it when my boyfriend and I started dating. It’s hard when you know your parents meant well but things they did when you were a kid/how they raised you really have an effect on you. I know my parents are just normal people now and did their best. Thanks Bri for sharing your journey – you’re inspiring. I’ve been going to therapy for about a year and a half now and have definitely worked through some stuff I was holding onto from college a few years ago – bad friendships that still kept playing in my mind on a loop and I was beating myself up for it. I hold a lot of stress in my jaw and once I opened up to my therapist about it I felt the tension release, it was CRAZY. It’s crazy how your body reacts to stuff like that. Anyways keep it up we’re rooting for you 🙂

    Lori says:

    This is such a generous and open post that will be so helpful to so many people, including myself. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your story and insight it’s really appreciated x

    Susannah says:

    Gosh thank you 🙏🏻 I read something this morning that said the right words and people will come to you when you need it and then your Instagram popped up at the top of my feed of you in your beautiful dress! I needed to hear this, thank you for opening your heart to us all. It’s a treasure ❤️

    Karen says:

    Thanks for sharing, this is really helpful and inspirational x

    Caroline says:

    Congratulations on this post! So brave and insightful. This is your future book I think!

    Eliza says:

    I really appreciated your section on generational trauma… This message isn’t stated often enough. Many times it seems the fashion is to go for a few therapy sessions and then stick up a brick wall. Cut parents off (or whomever off). This is living in anger and spreads so much more pain. This is not healing. It takes a long time, like 12 years of work, to really heal. Once we are healed we can look after others including our parents who may still be hurt from their life experiences. I enjoy your blog and will continue to read. You are providing a great source of beauty and love in your images and tech decor that helps people be happier (in this world that is pretty nasty, at the moment). Congratulations, keep up the hard work.

    Nat says:

    All the information, resources, thoughts, emotions you have been sharing are exactly what I need right now. The timing could not be better! It pushes me to face my PTSD and not hide from my feelings. Thank you so much for being so courageous and your inspiration❤️🙏!

    Andrea says:

    Thank you for sharing. This is a very positive and powerful post. I wanted to share one of my favorite quotes that might be helpful in regards to forgiving those who are not sorry. “Anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Forgiveness is a wonderful gift to give those who hurt you but it is really about healing yourself, not about them. 💕.

    Brandi says:

    This post is everything. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your journey with us! I know this is a post I will read again and again.

    Debra says:

    I’ve been following you for awhile and the words you have written here follow the journey of your images. It’s all there and the growth you’ve had can be seen in every one. The other thing that sticks with me in this post is that you did something about your pain and for that you are a hero.

    Martha says:

    I’ve studied Complex PTSD for years and have read The Body Keeps the Score a few times. It’s hard to digest all of it at once – I got it on Audible and listened to chunks of it over and over on my commute. But it changed my perspective on all of life. It had made me recognize trauma signs in myself, in people I know and also in many public figures. That itself was very helpful. And for you to reveal your personal trauma and journey is very brave and kind- it will ease the pain of so many. Well done and keep up the good work you are doing for yourself and for your friends, family ,and followers.

    Natalie Bowman says:

    So wonderful.

    Amanda says:

    Bri, thank you so much for sharing your journey and resources. It’s been great watching you grow and I’m excited to follow along with whatever is next.

    Julia says:

    Thank you for sharing this…straight from the heart <3 Can’t wait to explore some of your recommendations as I continue on my spiritual and healing journey.

    sara says:

    This is an incredible post, not just because it’s so beautiful expressed and honest but also because it speaks to some truths I personally know I need to face in my own life. Everything you poured into this post is filling my own cup of hope and inspiration, and this will surely be a resource to many (including myself). Thank you for sharing.

    San says:

    Thank you so much for being real, course it was long but also took me out some tears, tears for feeling identify with these feelings too. Of course is a long path before healing and I’m glad you are healing, it’s hard to fully heal but not impossible and some of us as you said , still are on the way to it. And it’s part of living, of being real.Lots of love and a big hugh. Thanks again for sharing

    Victoria says:

    thanks so much for putting all of this out here for us, bri — including so much of your self (the good, the bad and the painful). you know how much i love you and i’m so proud of you. i know how much work you’ve done and how far you’ve come. it’s so good to see you glow.

    thanks for always being so encouraging to me. you’re my better half. (not being disparaging) 😉
    xoxo

    Andrea says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. It’s helpful to know we are not alone in our struggles.

    One book that really helped me reframe my world view into something that I could hold vs. the one I couldn’t live with from a strict religious upbringing is Infinite Possibilities by Mike Dooley. You might like it. It blew my mind and changed my life.

    Biggest hugs to you for creating your new path and being brave enough to share it with us all. 💕💕💕

    Suzie says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey and your heart with us ❤️

    r says:

    how did you tell your boyfriend/husband? were you able? I am having hard time to tell my husband….

    r says:

    ps: I am so grateful for you.

    Emily says:

    Thank you Bri for all that you do <3

    Charmaine says:

    Grateful for this blog (I’ve been following along for years, but never really commented!) and for you, Bri! Thank you for your honesty and giving heart and for sharing your experiences and resources with us 🙂

    Shannon says:

    I haven’t read the whole thing yet but I wanted to thank you. The first paragraph resonated so much with me I’m in tears. I’m experiencing one of the most painful times of my life and I thank you for sharing and for helping me to feel less alone.

    Kim says:

    I found your insta because of the beauty. A place that I go to escape. To my surprise, I have found truth, pain and hope, not just another image to feed my creative brain! What an incredible resource, and I thank you for your dedication and efforts to put this together. I am suffering greatly, and it’s complicated. My efforts to find resources are always for my son who has had anxiety since he was very young. We are suffering together in this swirl of everything you mentioned. What has resonated with me after reading this is how much I need to do for myself. I keep giving him resources on the work he can do to help himself, but I do not model it. A parent in this situation can fall victim to parenting in fear. Fear is the monster I fight. You are making a difference, and you should be told. Thank you, Kim

    Marilyn says:

    I love you more and more while reading this entire post. You are moving ahead in life in all the right ways. I think God every day for you and continue to believe that your soul is soaking up all of the good things that will make your life even better. I love you. Grandma.

    Vicki Schaffnit says:

    Always knew you were a very special person. This was a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing

    Anonymous says:

    ❤️Hi Bri, thank you for sharing all of this with such honesty. i believe this post will help a lot of people and i love all of the book recommendations (Ive taken so many screen shots of your stories for months😘) nice to know we aren’t alone in the struggles and triumphs of life!💗to you.

    Rachel says:

    I LOVED this post. I’ve loved following along with your healing journey. Hands down my favourite account to keep up with right now. Thank you for opening your heart for us and sharing this. Can’t wait to start on some of these books 🙂

    Tania peregrino says:

    You have no idea what this post meant to me today. Don’t leave us alone please keep sharing your journey you are blessed, your heart and your mind are magic.

    Keep healing, keep fighting for your joy

    Kuna says:

    Fri- way to go girl. You’re amazing! This is perfect and authentic and beautiful. It’s crazy because as I was reading this I had pictures in my mind of us growing up throughout parts of your journey from a young age. So happy for you for finding your JOY and redefining your purpose and outlook and self starting it for YOU. And as a counselor, I personally love how well you laid out important skills and steps and resources for anyone struggling with a variety of things. You’re and We are definitely not alone in this journey and forgiveness is dynamic. Best wishes and hugs. So incredibly impressive!

    Marya says:

    Thank you for sharing this. All of it. The honesty, the resources, the insight, the inspiration.

    And I’m happy for you. Good for you! Gratitude. <3

    Kelly says:

    You’re amazing, Bri! I have childhood trauma also, and making my way through it in therapy was and continues to be the best thing I have ever done for myself. Good luck on the rest of your journey xo. Solidarity!

    Gianpi says:

    Thanks for your words. I feel having a similar story. I was raised in a strict christian home, by my highschool time I stopped believing in god and at the age of 30 by doing yoga and meditations I started being religious again. I’m on my spiritual/christian path since more that 20 years. Two years ago I started doing EMDR therapy for my childhood traumas. It helped me a lot, especially the fact that while going into those ugly moments, I always saw and felt that I was not unseen and never alone then because my guardian angel and a woman (Mary?) were always on my side giving me love and light. This may sound weird, but it’s what I saw and it helps me now to know: we are never alone. It gives me lots of consolation and hope.

    Christine says:

    What a beautiful, thoughtful guide to share with us. You’re so brave to do the work to heal and take care of yourself. It’s scary, it’s painful and it certainly isn’t easy, but what you’re doing and the energy that you’re sending out will do magical things. I’m proud of you. Thank you for sharing! xx

    Clementine says:

    This is so inspiring, thank you so much Bri !

    Reg says:

    Thank you for being so open and vulnerable here. I’m going through a similar rebirth and your suggestions have been invaluable. Eckhart Tolle’s talks with Oprah about his book has been this biggest lightbulb moment for me. Thank you thank you! Here’s to personal growth and evolution

    mg says:

    Thank you for sharing your process and resources. It’s so helpful. I really feel like we’re in a special time when we have so much access to tools to heal ourselves. I feel grateful for access to social media to know that other people are on this journey as well. We are powerful!

    Julia says:

    Thank you Bri! I needed this at this very moment.

    Catherine Lorenzo says:

    Found this page today-just now … don’t know how I ended up here… I was reviewing technical hacking Black Hat conference AND JUST found my way here… “Everything is unfolding perfectly.” Synchronicity FOR SUR. You are so cute & precious. THANK YOU taking the time to put effort into this -IT DEFINITELY spoke to me and so many similarities. Too much to go through and express right now as been going thru an awakening for past year – it took sooo long to get here & the traumas were so severe. Having suffered molestation AND SEVERE childhood neglect I NEVER KNEW THAT WOULD CREATE PTSD & affect my neurological child brain. I blocked EVERYTHING OUT – NEVER talked about ANYTHING for 33 yrs NOT even mentioning, DID NOT REALIZE i could be affected if I NEVER spoke of or even acknowledged the many traumatic occurrences to Myself totally I feel like I know you -having only discovered you/your pages an hour ago. Have much to share with you & even more once I actually embark my journey on path to healing. **Remember me. Sorry so long -felt so connected to your shared experiences on Journey to Healing part 2….gonna find part 1

    Kaelyn says:

    I just wanted to say thank you for your bravery in being able to share your journey with everyone online. It is so incredibly valuable and important for people (like me) and other going through similar situations to know that we are not alone, and that help is available! Thank you for being so incredibly authentic and open!

    Renee says:

    As a librarian I am so happy you have found support in using library materials. Everyone is at a different place in their journey and you are amazing for choosing to share yours and the resources that help you. <3

    Joy says:

    Wow. I haven’t been on your blog in so long but someone linked to this post and I just want to say THANK YOU. First for being so brave to share all of this! For leading the way in feeling your feelings and showing you really can do it, instead of just checking out/numbing out. Everything you wrote and suggested confirms either things I’ve been doing or ways I’ve been trying to move toward. Thank you so much for the nudge! And good on ya for all the work you’ve done and are doing!

    Blakely says:

    Thanks so so much for sharing! You are so brave and it’s encouraging to hear all the steps you’ve taken. I really resonated with the idea that you “expect abs after working out three times”, and how that relates to health and mental health. So good!

    Also! I read the book Inspired by Rachel Held Evans, and she hit on all the things that I hated about a Christianity and the Bible (I have a gay brother who I LOVE). The book had me in tears after chapter 1 because it was so relatable. I promise it’s totally worth the read! Unfortunately, the author RHE passed away earlier this year, but I really think her legacy lives on!

    Jenny says:

    Thanks Bri. This post made me cry. But with sadness, happiness, recognition and strength. Thank you for sharing ♡.

    NS says:

    Thank you for this post, for sharing your story and your resources. I appreciate you being so open about your journey. Your openness is inspiring my healing too. I am local to LA- who do you recommend for acupuncture, if you don’t mind me asking?

    Kate says:

    I remember that you put up an Instagram story with a picture of yourself as a kid when you explained the abuse you experienced. I just started sobbing. Seeing you as a child and knowing what you lived through – it was just unbearable to think about someone so young having to navigate such a trauma. thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for turning your pain into learning and growing opportunities for the rest of us. Your openness has encouraged me to dive into my own pain and coping mechanisms. Undertaking it felt so big and insurmountable but you forged a path for me to kick-start my own journey towards self-love, stillness, and letting go that which does not serve me anymore. thank you <3

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